Haven't been on here in a while...........

whine whine whine whine whine whine

so i went to this party (hipster popularity contest) yesterday and the whole time i was there i was wondering how anybody could ever have any fun at these sort of things without being completely wasted. it's depressing to go out and always want to go home as soon as i show up to these supposedly fun "ragers". i guess i am not very good at meeting new people. Its comforting to blend in the background of whoever you attend with and appear neutral in comparison with their stronger personality. But eventually you are forgettable. On the other hand i refuse to become the best friend for a night girl or the drunk friend because nobody remembers you in the morning. i think id rather watch jeopardy and drink cheap beer at home than go out ever again. thats where im happiest.

im done

preparing for a life of never having a significant other

YOU ARE TOLERABLE LESS OFTEN THAN NOT

point

rimbaud

"My weeping heart on the deck drools spit; they soil it with cigarettes butts, they spatter it with slop and shit; my weeping heart on the deck drools spit. The soldiers drink and laugh at it; The sound of laughing hurts my guts. My weeping heart on the deck drools spit; They soil it with cigarette butts.

Soldiers' cocks area black burlesque; They rape my heart with what they say. In scrawls on the mast, grotesque Soldiers' cocks area black burlesque; They rape my heart with what they say.

When they are done, and all worn How will I act, my stolen heart? All I will hear is a drunken shout When they are done and all worn out. I will throw up and then pass out, I know, with my heart torn apart When they are done, and all worn out. How will I act, my stolen heart?

the four chambered heart and plan for today

try and not feel sorry for myself
homework
never eat a baked potato again
consume copious amounts of alcohol so no amount of feeling sorry for myself is possible
learn new technique to acquire flat stomach while sitting (do those electronic belt things work?)

accidently cut my finger a bit last night while slicing avocado, and for some reason it really scared me. i couldn't stop screaming and crying and i guess it was because it seemed alot deeper than it was and it wouldn't stop bleeding at all. it felt good to be hysterical though i feel a lot less anxious i suppose. i actually wanted to go to the hospital and have them stop the bleeding or to get stitches but no one was willing to take me there i guess, besides the cut wasn't that bad that's what happened though

ellen rogers

last post i swear

can we spoon?

it feels really really good to be ignored by someone you shared yourself with.

bleeding fingers

i want to go out to the country on one of these sunny days and pick these

i want to have a bottle of cheap white wine in my hand

and a soft blanket to lay on

but id be happy if the sun just shone and id be able to see these berries

perfection

ill try to not turn this blog into some sort of pity party although a warning for anyone who dares read it, it'll probably turn into just that. as long as there are pretty pictures and quotes and good music maybe it'll distract the reader from going to a different page

maybe

just maybe it's easier to let another control your emotions (or many others) than to depend on yourself to be in control of them.